Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Today we celebrate the Irish, and their incredible ability to drink, and reproduce. Our celebrations will take many forms. In Chicago, they will dye their filthy river green. In New York, they will march down 5th Avenue and excoriate homosexuals. In Boston, bros of all creeds will get drunk and start fights with anyone who happens to be within a moving five-foot radius…even girls. May your celebration of the Irish diaspora be drunken and violent, for tomorrow, we return to our normal lives, where the beer is no longer green, and vomiting in the streets is discouraged.
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